From a weekly column I wrote years ago called “Toddler Dancing”.
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Whoever Yells First, Loses.
Whoever yells first, loses. I love this rule. And I’ve found that it applies in parenting, just as it applies in marriage and at work. Many people will disagree with me on this one…but my bet is that those folks are “yellers”.
It all comes down to control. The basic idea is that when we sense that things are getting a bit out of control with our toddlers, the solution is for us to raise our voice a bit to recapture their attention, and thusly regain control. Thusly? Yeah, the whole concept is about that silly.
You know how the game goes. Toddler “Suzie” is not complying with the current guidelines so you raise the volume of your voice a bit to get her attention. The first time you do this it might actually work. But did you notice that the second time you had to turn the volume from “2”, to “3”? Before long you’ve dialed the volume up to “11”….your throat is getting scratchy, the dog is hiding under the kitchen table and the neighbor mowing his lawn is looking towards your window wondering if he should maybe call “911”. Meanwhile, your toddler is giving you a sideways glance while they happily continue whatever it is that you’re attempting to stop them from doing.
And then when you do get their attention, what do they do? They yell right back at you. Yes, dear friends, they are good learners.
Ok, maybe I’ve exaggerated things a bit (I doubt it), but you get the idea. Many of us are a part of a culture that believes that louder is stronger. The reality is just the opposite. The reality is that the volume of the voice goes up as we sense our level of control of the situation going down. So we raise our voice to regain control, somehow believing that whoever yells the loudest is the one in charge.
I’ve seen it at work. I’ve had three bosses who were yellers. They believed that when they yelled at people, they could get those people to do what they wanted them to do. That always made me chuckle (which is not something I recommend when you are in a meeting and the boss is yelling at everyone…trust me). And it is a common technique in marriage. When you aren’t getting the response you want…raise the volume…that ought to do it! The result is that we end up with noisy offices and homes in which nobody gets what they really want out of the deal.
You see, the problem with yelling is that if we buy the concept that the loudest yeller is in control, we have just created an outstanding game for toddlers to play. They can yell. Perhaps they can’t yell louder than we can, but they can certainly yell longer…and in this case…that works out to be a “win”. And besides, remember that stuff about “attention”? Loud attention is cooler than not-loud attention to a toddler…so hey…bring it on! Again, adult logic loses out to toddlers getting the cookies they are after.
So if yelling isn’t the answer, what is? Just the opposite. Go quiet. I’ve always enjoyed watching a really good leader at work…the person who really understands how to get control of an uncontrollable group or situation. Everyone is yelling and ranting, “stuff” is flying all over the place, and this one person is sitting there watching…quietly watching and looking at each person in the group. The same thing always happens. After a few minutes, the entire group stops their dance and turns to the quiet one, who has then, without one word, been GIVEN control of the group. I’ve seen it in corporate board rooms, and at kitchen tables. The fact is, while someone can always yell louder, it is really hard to get quieter than quiet.
The next time the toddler dance begins over whatever the heck it is, and the toddler positions him or herself for “debate mode” with you, rather than following the expected dance steps of doing the “back & forth I can get louder than you can” step, just go silent. This will take some focus and some serious effort. The toddler will their absolute best to get you back in step, pushing every button they can push to get you back into the mix of things…but you CANNOT join in. Your voice remains calm, and you may calmly repeat the same few words over and over, each time as calmly as the previous calm times you calmly said them (there were some hints in that last sentence).
Volume does not equal control. Volume does not equal “power”. Volume equals volume, and is the sign of someone who is attempting to regain control. If you are attempting to regain control, that clearly means you have somehow “lost” that control. If you lost it…the toddler has it. While you love them dearly, trust me, you don’t want to put them in control…really…honest.
Whoever yells first, loses. It works. When you try it with your toddler it can have powerful results. And when you try it on your spouse, it will drive them crazy. BONUS!
You can do this…keep smiling.
