Another from my old “Toddler Dancing” column…
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I Can’t
I remember the parent meeting like it was last night…though it was probably 15 years ago. We sat in the circle with 30 parents of toddlers, talking about how to “do” this parenting thing. One mother sat in her chair, looking like she had, well, like she had spent the day with a toddler. I asked if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about. She sighed, took a deep breath, and started telling us about “Timmy” (no, not the real name and I don’t have any particular “Timmy” in mind here so relax if you have one).
She explained that Timmy was very strong-willed and that she had problems getting him to behave. Timmy was 3 at the time. Shen then got to the core of the problem…let me just share the conversation with you as I recall it…
“I just can’t get him to settle down. Last night I needed him to sit on the couch with me so we could fix his shoes, and he wouldn’t do it. I would pick him up and put him on the couch and he would slide back to the floor. I explained to him that he needed to sit on the couch but he wouldn’t listen. I must have picked him up at least 15 times, and each time he got back on the floor. This happens every night…EVERY NIGHT! I just can’t get him to do anything. He is impossible.”
Any thoughts? Here was my response as I remember it…
“You can’t get him to do anything?”
“No…”
“Ok, here’s one suggestion. Tonight, when you want him to sit on the couch, pick him up and place him where you want him, and then quickly turn around and sit down right on top of him…that ought to do it.”
(Note…mom was a rather large individual, immediately giving everyone in the room the same mental picture)
(Note #2…no, I am not seriously suggesting that anyone sits on their child…hang-on, there’s more to the story).
Mom looked up with shock in her eyes…”What? I couldn’t do that!”
“What do you mean? You could easily do it. Just put him on the cushion, spin around and you’ve got him. It’s easy.”
“But, but, I can’t, I mean…that’s crazy. I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to sit down.”
Me…”But you could make him sit down by sitting on him if you really HAD to, couldn’t you? I mean, if you had to keep him on the couch to protect him from something dangerous, you could do that by sitting on him, right?”
“Well, yeah, but there’s nothing dangerous…I just want him to sit down.”
Me…”Cool…then let’s change some language here. The point isn’t that you “Can’t” get him to sit-down…but that you just haven’t figured out the best way to do it yet. Because if you really HAD to make him sit down, you could…right?”
[ding] the little light went on…
One of the most difficult parts of parenting a toddler is when we find ourselves in the position of believing there is nothing we can do. It sure does happen, doesn’t it? And it’s not by accident. It’s all part of the dance…and remember, we are dancing with pros.
Step back just a second and look at this “sit on the couch” adventure through the eyes of the toddler. First of all, it happens every night. Now, toddlers aren’t stupid. If something is happening every night, they are most certainly getting some “cookies” out of the deal…something is rewarding for them. In this case…think about it. Every night, they get to play a really cool game of having mom pick me up and drop me on the couch…over and over and over…and the entire time she is focused directly on me!! Now, just how cool is that. Sure, she yells a bit, but hey, mom is a yeller and she feels bad about it later and comes in and hugs me…so it’s actually pretty cool. Besides…yelling is how we do things around here…and something I’m going to practice when I want something from mom & dad (yeah, we’ll talk about this later too).
What is important in all this is to remember that any time you have a “problem” with your toddler, don’t spend a lot of time trying to analyze the situation and “think it through like an adult” to figure out what is going on. These toddler things aren’t adults. They do what they need to do to get the results they want, using the resources they have available.
Can I say that again? Toddlers do what they need to do to get the results they want, using the resources they have available. The key is to get into their little minds and figure out just what the heck the kid is getting out of this behavior…and not focus so much on what the behavior is doing to us, or what it might look like to others. What are the “cookies” they are getting as a result of the “dance”? Then you get creative, and think of ways they can get those cookies in a more positive and healthy way.
Easy? Not always. But there is a certain amount of satisfaction that comes through realizing that “yes we can” do this parenting thing. And in the process, we have out-danced the pros!
By the way…at the next parent meeting “mom” announced that she had solved the sitting on the couch situation by turning it into a neat little game. Success! Now, did anyone have any ideas for how to get Timmy to stop flushing things down the stool?
You can do this…keep smiling.
