Yet another from my “Toddler Dancing” days…
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May I Have Your Attention Please?
Question: What is halfway between an adult, and a television set?
Answer: A toddler.
Ok, what is it with these creatures anyway? All is good, everyone is happy, everyone is having a grand old time playing with whatever it is they are playing with while we do whatever it is that we’re doing. And then the telephone rings. By the time we pick it up, the dance has started: “Hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom, hey mom….” The child that has been happily entertaining him or herself for the past 30 minutes is suddenly climbing up your leg, pulling the spatula out of the drawer to use to poke the parakeet through the cage, while trying to set fire to the refrigerator. Well, ok, it might not be quite that dramatic, but you know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? What the heck is going on here?
No, it’s not a form of alien possession connected to the magnetic resonance of telephones, though I do remember doing some research on that several years ago. And it’s not that your child is spoiled, or just acting like one of your least favorite relatives, And no, it’s not some form of justice being paid so your parents can watch from a safe distance and enjoy seeing you get back what you gave them (although I do have to admit there IS some satisfaction in that). it’s all about attention.
We all like having attention in one form or another. The issue is that toddlers like attention regardless of the form. They are the center of their little but ever-expanding world, and you and all of the other parts of that world are there to focus on them. Sometimes that means they want you right there, on the floor, in the middle of whatever they are doing…paying attention. Don’t mistake that for thinking they really want you to play “with” them…they don’t quite grasp that “with” concept yet (we’ll talk about that later), but they want you there…paying attention. At other times they are perfectly happy knowing you are nearby, watching them. The key is that you are watching them…even if you are busy “doing” something else they can be ok. There is nothing else clearly interrupting your primary purpose in life…paying attention to them.
Until the phone rings.
As soon as you start talking to the person on the phone, it means only one thing. “You aren’t paying attention to me anymore!” So, just like those highly trained SWAT teams, the number one mission is to recapture your attention. And there are two really important points here.
First, they really don’t care what kind of attention they get. At this point, negative attention is about the same as positive attention…they both accomplish the objective: you are with ME, and not whoever it is that you are talking to. And remember, these toddler people are professional dancers. They study your moves and steps and know exactly how to get you to step where they want you. They know exactly how to get you to respond…even if that’s negatively. “Why is it that she is a perfect little angel all morning and everything is great, and then the phone rings and she turns into some form of demon spawn?” Why? Because it works. If she does it correctly, you end up getting off the phone and spending some extra time with her. Of course, you are lecturing and shaking fingers and all that…but no matter…she has your attention. She wins!
Second, one of the things that frustrates us, and leads us to think that Aunt “whoever” is correct and there might be something wrong with the child, is that it never seems to end. How much attention does one child need? “I spent the entire morning with him/her, and then I get one phone call, and it’s like I’ve ignored him for the past week! What is wrong with this child? How much attention does he/she need?”
The first mistake is that you are trying to figure this out logically. Hey, life will become much more enjoyable when you accept the fact that your logic has nothing at all to do with being a “Toddler”. We’ll talk more about this elsewhere, but for now just realize that your trying to “figure it out”, or trying to “make them understand” this whole thing is doomed to fail. The process will give them some nice attention, but it won’t change anything. Just wait until the next phone call.
But the good news is that toddlers do not demand attention all of the time. Yes, they do finally get enough attention and are happy to let you talk on the phone or do whatever else you want. When they are asleep. When they are awake…it’s “ME” time and you might as well figure out how to dance with it.
And that is the secret to sanity. Remember that this is called the Toddler Dance for a reason. In a dance, one person moves “here”, and the other responds by moving “there”. One leads, and the other follows. The key here is for you to figure out how to take the lead in your personal little Toddler Dance. And the advantage you have is thinking ahead and being creative. You aren’t going to make a Toddler behave like a 30 year old, but you can take advantage of the situation and take charge of the dance….here’s an example I recall…
Toddlers like games…especially when those games let them pretend to be like you. So, turn the phone thing into a game. Find an old phone, a ‘dead’ one is fine…or one of those that calls Bert, Ernie or Thomas the engine. Get with your Toddler and explain that you have a great game to play…and that it is really cool…and a big-kids game that is a lot of fun. The next time the phone rings…you will both grab your phones and visit with whoever is calling. You will both sit on the floor and lean back against the sofa and take notes. Then after the call, you will tell each other the story about your call. You have just re-framed the entire telephone call experience. Instead of taking you away from them, you have now made it a game you will play “with” your Toddler.
Will it work? Sometimes…maybe… Again, logic plays no part here, so what works this morning might not work this afternoon. But the whole point is to disrupt the negative dance that is underway and think of ways you can take the lead. There are other games to create…like…”Hey Suzie…when the phone rings I bet you can’t go bounce on your trampoline the whole time I’m talking. I’ll watch you and see!” Be creative…there are lots of possibilities.
Most of all, just remember that you can do this…so relax, and smile.
